Clovers, Sisters, and Luck(?)

May 30, 2023

I found this one as I was listening to the end of “View Between Villages” by Noah Kahan right between the “everything's still" and the last beat. I was about to give up as the song was ending, but this one caught my eye.

A man glanced back on the path I was crouched down on. He was surely jealous.

I pressed the four-leaf clover in my passport. Ready for my next piece of luck (or maybe just my next experience).

I have a talent for finding four clovers. It's one that my sister and I share. We used to sit in the grass and search for them with my Grandmother when we were kids. We like to say that it is a talent that she passed to us.

Lately, I’m starting to think it’s not so much a talent, but rather that most people don’t look down at the ground. I look out for their patches on my walks. It is an addicting challenge and even more fun when one pops out at me. It is as if it is offering a gift of luck if I take the time to take in what is around me. It slows my walk down just a bit.

For the last year and a half, I have been exploring the world and exploring myself. Jaime and I send pictures of our clovers back and forth, halfway across the world. It keeps us connected. One of the hardest challenges about living across the world from where I used to lay in the grass is the guilt of missing my sisters' daily journey of becoming themselves. I miss hugging them after a breakup or being able to pull them on stage with me for a song. I miss our fights and the unfaltering, uncontrollable love that remains after all of the harsh honesty we may throw out. I feel guilty for losing my inner "big sister" reins when they need it, but know they are getting stronger without it too tight. I get to watch them grow from a far, knowing that my Grandmother would be proud of all of us. I have forever been the stereotypical "big sister" and it is strange to have that identity shift on me. But in the last year and a half, I have learned how to trust myself and have gained a few of my own "big sisters" along the way. I walk through the world differently and I know they do too. Though I think we all still take the time to glance down in case some new luck appears.

I used to not believe in luck. When my Grandma would tell us to press our clovers in a book so that we would have luck for the next year, I did as she said, but knew I still had to play my cards right. I think people give out the energy that they would like to receive. Building your life is about putting time towards the things and people that bring you more of that positive energy. I am proud of the energy that I have released into this new life that I am building. When my days run together, I look back on journal entries from the last year to see how much my perspective has changed because of how I have devoted my time. Yet, I can't help but feel so lucky to have landed in this place with people who have seemed to fall into my lap, presenting me with more opportunities and memories than I can express. I fear that my luck was too great and I may never find it again, even with my sisters.

Though I keep finding four-leaf clovers. And I keep finding new things that I feel lucky for, even in the midst of chaos. In a time of so many ups & downs, my well-placed luck keeps me grounded. The guilt of being away from my old home and the unknown of a newly built home often make me feel unsettled. But I am grateful for my new big sisters, my timid tenacity, and continuous searching (and long Facetime calls with a 6-hour time difference). Most people never look, so they never find those peaks of luck and persistence. But when you find one, you'll be on the lookout even more frequently.

The four-leaf clover that I have tattooed on my ribs serves as a continuous reminder, even in the winter. I will keep taking the time to search, even if this takes me a bit less time to find than some other things. In a field of clovers, they are pretty rare. But I like the challenge, no matter how long that one might be to find.